Discussing saving with your spouse

Posted by on Sep 30, 2008 in Money and Relationships, Saving | 0 comments

Frugal Pinoy reader Allan G sent in this question as a response to my previous article on saving:

Hi there! I have never been a big spender. I earn well and I have always had. Before I got married, 80% of my money I used to help family and relatives. I was not able to save much except buy a plot of land in Cavite. Now I am married. I am still not a big spender. But my wife is. We continue to help our families the best way we can. When I talk to my wife about saving money she gets mad at me. She says I don’t earn enough so we can’t afford to save. I wonder how I can make her rethink her ways. Any suggestions?

Talking about money with one’s spouse can be a tricky subject.  Money, after all, is the number one reason why couples fight.  I’ve avoided this by talking to my partner about money extensively before we started living together.  It also helps that we have the same values when it comes to money.  But not everyone is that lucky.

503290_coin_in_hand.jpgThere are many things you need to consider when it comes to a situation like this.  Does your spouse have her own income?  What does she spend on the most?  What is her idea of “earning enough”?  Also, is the help you offer your families really necessary? (I’ve discussed in the past how giving financial help to family shouldn’t be automatic.)

Manage your expectations.  First, you need to understand that things might not go 100% your way in the end.  Marriage requires compromise and adjustments – you need to find somewhere the two of you can meet halfway.  Know that if any change will take place, it won’t happen all at once.  Changing one’s financial behavior takes time, and this is something your spouse has to do herself – it’s not something you can force.

Be careful with your words.  It’s important to remember that the health of your relationship always comes first, so make sure you don’t talk about money when you’re angry.  Whenever you discuss money, it’s important to do it when both of you are rational and in a good mood.  Also, be careful of wording your money problems in such a way that looks as if you’re blaming your partner.  Choose “we” and “us” instead of “you”.

Learn more about her financial values.  As I said earlier, it helps to know her standards about income that’s enough for you.  Note that you think you earn well, while she thinks your earnings aren’t enough.  What is her idea of sufficient income?  What are her financial dreams? How does she define “a good life”?  Ask her these questions so you’ll be able to see things from her perspective, as well as have a starting point for your future discussions.

Make it exciting.  As Adie pointed out in the comments, it helps to start saving for something that excites her.  Ask her where she’d want to spend your vacation this summer, then tell her that this is possible and you want to save up for it so you can give her the vacation she wants.  Or, it doesn’t have to be a vacation, it could be an item she wants, a seminar or workshop she’d like to attend, or an experience she has yet to try.

Be sure to follow this up with a discussion on “Kaya naman pala natin mag-save ng kahit kaunti each month.  Why don’t we do it for the long run?”

Consider additional income.  If your wife really doesn’t think that you make enough money (even if you do), you can both discuss ways to add to your income.   If she doesn’t have any income, ask her if there’s a business venture or work-from-home opportunity she’d like to try. You can also ask her if the two of you can start investing.  By opening up the discussion on one aspect of your finances (income), it’s possible you’ll be able to talk about other aspects (such as saving) more freely.

Talk about success stories.  If you have any friends, especially couples, who have financial success stories, tell your wife about it.  Pick those stories that come from something similar to your own income bracket, family size, and lifestyle – it doesn’t make sense to discuss the success of the Ayalas if you’re a regular middle-class family.  Your wife should know that financial success and saving is possible from your income bracket (or even from those who earn less than you do).

Discuss money in several short talks, instead of one big discussion.  This is especially important inf your spouse is really sensitive about the issue.  Keep your conversations light and short so she won’t feel that you are pressuring her too much.

If you want to read more articles on how to talk to your spouse about money, you can start with these three:

I hope I was able to help!  :) Thank you to the other readers who chimed in, gave their own advice, and talked about their experiences with saving.

Do you have any personal finance or online moneymaking questions? If so, kindly click here for the contact form, type in your question, and I’ll answer it here at FrugalPinoy.

Photo Credit: Image from Jasper Greek Golangco  from stock.xchng

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