Change your life dramatically by asking yourself this one question

Hindi uso ang psychological therapy sa Pilipinas. It’s just not part of our culture. We tend to talk out our problems with friends, family – and even strangers. Even if you’re waiting in line in a government office (DFA, NSO, etc.) and you’re likely to get into a personal conversation. Who needs talk therapy in a talk-friendly country like the Philippines?

Also, therapy tends to be costly.

But this doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from some of the techniques that therapists use. I’m going to share with you a technique I learned from the book “Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard” by Chip and Dan Heath. Here’s what you can expect to learn:

• How to stop wasting time being emo and wasting energy/time on uncovering your feelings and emotional scars from the past
• What questions to ask yourself to start taking small steps to solve your problems, make behavioral changes, or accomplish your goals

Being Solutions-focused

In the book, the Bros. Heath discuss solutions-focused therapy. Unlike the type of psychological talk therapy and psychiatry we see on US TV shows, solutions-focused therapy does not dig around your past, explore your childhood, or unearth repressed memories about your parents. Solutions-focused therapists don’t care about your hidden reasons and motivations from childhood – they care about fixing the problem at hand.

How do they help you find solutions? First, they ask you what your problem is. Then, they ask you a very specific question to help you find a simple solution.

They call this “The Miracle Question.”

Here it is (quote from the book, emphasis mine):

“Can I ask you a sort of strange question? Suppose that you go to bed tonight and sleep well. Sometime, in the middle of the night, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens and all the troubles that brought you here are resolved. When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first small sign you’d see that would make you think, ‘Well, something must have happened—the problem is gone!’?”

Chip Heath; Dan Heath. Switch. Crown Business. Kindle Edition.

Or, in conversational Tagalog:

“Sabihin nating habang natutulog ka mamayang gabi, may milagrong mangyayari, ma-so-solve na yang problema mo. Pag gising mo, ano ang unang maliit na sign na makikita mo na mapapaisip ka na, ‘Uy, nasolve nga yung problema ko!’?“

How do we apply this?

For example, your problem is that you’ve been feeling too lazy to work. Or wala ka sa mood. Whatever it is, you’re just not performing like your usual self. Instead of spending hours, days, weeks obsessing about your mood, you can use The Miracle Question. Here’s an example of the internal dialogue you may have:

- Problem: I’m too lazy and distracted at work but don’t know why. My boss says I’ll be under probation if I don’t get back to my usual performance. 

- Miracle Question: While I’m sleeping tonight, a miracle will happen and my laziness/distraction problem will be fixed. When I wake up in the morning, what’s the first, concrete sign I’ll see as proof that my problem was fixed?

- I’ll be feeling excited to go to work.

- But that’s not good enough. It has to be concrete. How will I know that I’m excited? What physically happens when I’m excited to go to work?

- Well, when I used to be eager to work I would get up early, exercise for around 15 minutes, have breakfast, then commute before the morning rush. I usually left the house by 6 am.

- That’s the solution then: the “sign” is getting up early with enough time to exercise and leave before 6am.

- Yehey, gets ko na! From now on, I’ll wake up at 5 am!

See how it’s not about unearthing your deepest feelings about why you may be unmotivated at work. It’s not about pursuing an endless quest whether you should leave your employer or pursue a Master’s Degree in something else. It’s about finding that one small change that would make a large impact. No wasting time on emo nonsense.

And you know what? The above example ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Because I just did it this month (except for the commuting and “boss” part since I work from home, but I threw those in because that’s what most people do). I started waking up at 5am during weekdays – no matter how late I slept the night before. And I ended up crossing out every. single. task. on my calendar. It also improved my mood and motivation.

Here’s another example, from the book (emphasis mine):

Here’s how one couple in marital therapy answered the Miracle Question posed by their therapist, Brian Cade of Sydney, Australia:

WIFE: I’d be happy, feeling at ease at last. I’d be more pleasant to Bob, not jumping down his throat all the time.

CADE: What will you do instead?

WIFE: Well, there would be more understanding between us. We’d listen to what each other was saying.

HUSBAND: Yes. At the moment, we don’t really listen to each other. We just can’t wait to get our own point in.

CADE: How could you tell that the other was really listening?

WIFE: In the face, I think. We’d perhaps make more eye contact. (Pauses, then laughs.) We’d nod in the right places. Yes. We’d both respond to what the other was saying rather than just attacking or ignoring it.

Chip Heath; Dan Heath. Switch. Crown Business. Kindle Edition.

Notice how the therapist kept prodding on about specifics. What will they do differently. How can they tell that the problem was solved. These concrete questions are not about feelings, the past, or pag-e-emo. It’s about actual, physical signs you can see.

Let’s try another internal dialogue example, something more common than the above examples:

- Problem: I don’t have enough money.

- Miracle Question: While I’m sleeping tonight, a miracle will happen and my money problem will be fixed. When I wake up in the morning, what’s the first, concrete sign I’ll see as proof that my problem was fixed?

- I’ll be feeling rich, like I know I’m wealthy.

- But that’s not good enough. It has to be concrete. What does “wealthy” mean? What would have to physically happen for me to feel wealthy?

- I guess I won’t feel so stressed. I’ll be a bit more relaxed about money – not even worrying about it.

- What would make you stop feeling worried or stressed about money?

- If I felt secure about my finances.

- How could you tell that your finances are secure?

- If I know that whatever happens to me, my family can still maintain their current lifestyle or better from the money I’ve saved for them.

- That’s the solution then: the “sign” is having enough savings to support your family even if you can’t earn. The solution is that you need an emergency fund.

 

While The Miracle Question is not the be-all and end-all of problem-solving and behavioral change, it’s an important step that will help make your problems or challenges seem easier to handle.

Now’s the time to stop reading and nodding your head like those puppy figurines on a FX/jeepney dashboard. Let’s start taking action:

This Week’s Action Task

 

1) Think about the #1 problem or challenge that’s been holding you back. Choose the largest, most seemingly difficult problem you have.

2) Then, ask yourself The Miracle Question: If, as you slept tonight, your problem was resolved, what would be the first  small, concrete sign you’ll see in the morning as proof that your problem was completely resolved?

*NOTE: If you need help with this, just click here to start a dialogue at the comments section. I and the other Frugal Pinoy readers would be glad to help you out step-by-step to answer your Miracle Question.

3) Act to make that sign true. If it’s waking up at 5am in the morning, then wake up at 5am. If it’s smiling at your parents, then smile at them. No matter how seemingly unimportant or small, these “sign” actions can be the first tiny step in breaking down your biggest obstacles.