Stop depending on willpower. Shape your path instead.
I’ll try harder.
I’ll do more.
Magiging masipag na ako.
Kaunting tiyaga lang yan.
Basta, kailangan ko lang ng disiplina.
Just do it!
Ever said these things to yourself? And, more importantly, ever failed to follow through on your goals even AFTER you’ve said these things?
Maybe you honestly thought if you were a bit stronger you could stick to that diet, or if you were more disciplined, you’d stop impulsive spending. With just a little bit more willpower, you could achieve your goals, get more done, and become superhuman.
Right?
Photo by Flickr user jdhancock
Maybe. But your willpower is not enough.
Many studies show that willpower has its limits as a motivational tool. First, it depletes physical resources in our body. Here’s a discussion of various studies on the subject (emphasis mine):
The mind-body response of exerting willpower literally fatigues us (Tice et al. 2007). It depletes physical power, as shown in one study that looked at the effects of mental self-control on physical stamina (Bray et al. 2008). In this study, trying to control one’s thoughts decreased muscular endurance, as measured by performance and EMG activity.
In one recent set of studies (Gailliot et al. 2007), participants were required to control their thoughts, emotions or behavior. Immediately following each act of self-control, participants’ blood glucose levels dropped. Levels did not drop during similar tasks in which participants were not exerting self-control.
Source: “The Science of Willpower” by Kelly McGonigal, PhD
This is why dieting is so hard. You try to curb your cravings but, by by exerting self-control, you deplete the blood sugar in your body so you end up craving more. It’s tricky and ironic, isn’t it?
Also, willpower is finite. It doesn’t come from the power of your “soul” or your “mind”, no matter what motivational speakers tell you. It’s very limited.
Our supply of self-control is limited. Studies show that our self-control is actually sapped each time we use it (Baumeister & Vohs, 2003). It’s also sapped, predictably, by alcohol, lack of sleep and stress.
Source: “Money and Self-Control: The Battle Between Thoughts and Emotions” from PsyBlog
Psychologists have discovered that self-control is an exhaustible resource. And I don’t mean self-control only in the sense of turning down cookies or alcohol, I mean a broader sense of self-supervision—any time you’re paying close attention to your actions, like when you’re having a tough conversation or trying to stay focused on a paper you’re writing. This helps to explain why, after a long hard day at the office, we’re more likely to snap at our spouses or have one drink too many—we’ve depleted our self-control.
Source: “Why Change is So Hard: Self-Control is Exhaustible” by Dan Heath
Since willpower is limited, you can’t depend on it alone to make drastic changes in your life.
You need to “Shape the Path”. This means: change your environment and situation to make it easier to reach your goals. So that when it’s time to call on your willpower, you don’t have to exert so much effort in walking the right path.
Photo by Flickr user dolmansaxlil
How do you do that?
We can break it down to two approaches:
# 1 – Make it easier to make good micro-decisions.
How exactly can you make life changes easier? Change your environment so that you don’t have to make a hard decision every single time. Most of us think that changing our lives requires ONE BIG DECISION (“From now on, I will avoid all artificial sugar treats!”), when the change actually happens in several micro-decisions over time (“Isang slice lang naman ng cake today…”, “I’ll just buy one can of coke this afternoon…”, and “Well I had that cake yesterday, but there’s no harm in having an ice cream today because I’m feeling sad…”)
So, ask yourself “What small changes can you make in your environment/situation that can make it easier to exert willpower when the micro-decisions come up?”
Here are some examples:
Instead of saying “I’ll try harder to save more each month”, set up an automatic savings plan that automatically deducts a set amount from your paycheck account each month. It’s easy because you do not have to actively think about saving. It just happens.
Instead of saying “Just do it! Exercise regularly!” why not get all the extra barriers out of the way and prepare your gym bag the day before (just as Arvin said he did in the comments from last week’s post).
Key Takeaway:
Make it smoother and easier for you to make good decisions when you’re low on willpower.
# 2 – Make it harder to make bad micro-decisions.
This time, ask yourself, “What changes in my environment/situation can stop me from giving in to my bad habits/impulses?”
Again, some examples:
Instead of saying “I’ll exert more self-control and spend less money on going out,” only take a set amount of cash with you when you leave the house. No credit cards or debit cards – just enough cash for the basics and a little “wiggle room” for emergencies. (After all, for a REAL emergency, you can always text a friend or relative to help you out.) You may WANT to buy that gadget impulsively, but you can’t cause you don’t have enough cash.
Instead of saying “Basta here’s a list of food that’s allowed in my diet, and here’s a list of what’s not allowed. I’ll do my best to stick to it”, then just don’t buy the wrong food in the first place and stock up on healthy food! This means that when you’re hungry, all you have is healthy food. You may WANT to eat cake, but there’s no cake in the house so you snack up on fruits instead.
If you’re worried about impulsively spending your hard-earned emergency fund, then don’t put your emergency fund in an ATM account. Keep it in a passbook account, so it’s more of a hassle to go to the bank and get your money during non-emergencies.
Key Takeaway:
Set up barriers to prevent yourself from doing the wrong thing when you’re low on willpower.
This Week’s Action Task:
Think of your #1 goal for the year and ask yourself these questions:
- How can I change my environment/situation, so that I can make reaching this goal easier – even when I’m low on willpower?
- What barriers can I set up so that I don’t abandon or forget this goal even when I’m low on willpower?
Change your life dramatically by asking yourself this one question
Hindi uso ang psychological therapy sa Pilipinas. It’s just not part of our culture. We tend to talk out our problems with friends, family – and even strangers. Even if you’re waiting in line in a government office (DFA, NSO, etc.) and you’re likely to get into a personal conversation. Who needs talk therapy in a talk-friendly country like the Philippines?
Also, therapy tends to be costly.
But this doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from some of the techniques that therapists use. I’m going to share with you a technique I learned from the book “Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard” by Chip and Dan Heath. Here’s what you can expect to learn:
- How to stop wasting time being emo and wasting energy/time on uncovering your feelings and emotional scars from the past
- What questions to ask yourself to start taking small steps to solve your problems, make behavioral changes, or accomplish your goals
Being Solutions-focused
In the book, the Bros. Heath discuss solutions-focused therapy. Unlike the type of psychological talk therapy and psychiatry we see on US TV shows, solutions-focused therapy does not dig around your past, explore your childhood, or unearth repressed memories about your parents. Solutions-focused therapists don’t care about your hidden reasons and motivations from childhood – they care about fixing the problem at hand.
How do they help you find solutions? First, they ask you what your problem is. Then, they ask you a very specific question to help you find a simple solution.
They call this “The Miracle Question.”
Luigi confronts Mario with a serious question
Here it is (quote from the book, emphasis mine):
“Can I ask you a sort of strange question? Suppose that you go to bed tonight and sleep well. Sometime, in the middle of the night, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens and all the troubles that brought you here are resolved. When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first small sign you’d see that would make you think, ‘Well, something must have happened—the problem is gone!’?”
Chip Heath; Dan Heath. Switch. Crown Business. Kindle Edition.
Or, in conversational Tagalog:
“Sabihin nating habang natutulog ka mamayang gabi, may milagrong mangyayari, ma-so-solve na yang problema mo. Pag gising mo, ano ang unang maliit na sign na makikita mo na mapapaisip ka na, ‘Uy, nasolve nga yung problema ko!’?“
How do we apply this?
For example, your problem is that you’ve been feeling too lazy to work. Or wala ka sa mood. Whatever it is, you’re just not performing like your usual self. Instead of spending hours, days, weeks obsessing about your mood, you can use The Miracle Question. Here’s an example of the internal dialogue you may have:
- Problem: I’m too lazy and distracted at work but don’t know why. My boss says I’ll be under probation if I don’t get back to my usual performance.
- Miracle Question: While I’m sleeping tonight, a miracle will happen and my laziness/distraction problem will be fixed. When I wake up in the morning, what’s the first, concrete sign I’ll see as proof that my problem was fixed?
- I’ll be feeling excited to go to work.
- But that’s not good enough. It has to be concrete. How will I know that I’m excited? What physically happens when I’m excited to go to work?
- Well, when I used to be eager to work I would get up early, exercise for around 15 minutes, have breakfast, then commute before the morning rush. I usually left the house by 6 am.
- That’s the solution then: the “sign” is getting up early with enough time to exercise and leave before 6am.
- Yehey, gets ko na! From now on, I’ll wake up at 5 am!
See how it’s not about unearthing your deepest feelings about why you may be unmotivated at work. It’s not about pursuing an endless quest whether you should leave your employer or pursue a Master’s Degree in something else. It’s about finding that one small change that would make a large impact. No wasting time on emo nonsense.
And you know what? The above example ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Because I just did it this month (except for the commuting and “boss” part since I work from home, but I threw those in because that’s what most people do). I started waking up at 5am during weekdays – no matter how late I slept the night before. And I ended up crossing out every. single. task. on my calendar. It also improved my mood and motivation.
Here’s another example, from the book (emphasis mine):
Here’s how one couple in marital therapy answered the Miracle Question posed by their therapist, Brian Cade of Sydney, Australia:
WIFE: I’d be happy, feeling at ease at last. I’d be more pleasant to Bob, not jumping down his throat all the time.
CADE: What will you do instead?
WIFE: Well, there would be more understanding between us. We’d listen to what each other was saying.
HUSBAND: Yes. At the moment, we don’t really listen to each other. We just can’t wait to get our own point in.
CADE: How could you tell that the other was really listening?
WIFE: In the face, I think. We’d perhaps make more eye contact. (Pauses, then laughs.) We’d nod in the right places. Yes. We’d both respond to what the other was saying rather than just attacking or ignoring it.
Chip Heath; Dan Heath. Switch. Crown Business. Kindle Edition.
Notice how the therapist kept prodding on about specifics. What will they do differently. How can they tell that the problem was solved. These concrete questions are not about feelings, the past, or pag-e-emo. It’s about actual, physical signs you can see.
Let’s try another internal dialogue example, something more common than the above examples:
- Problem: I don’t have enough money.
- Miracle Question: While I’m sleeping tonight, a miracle will happen and my money problem will be fixed. When I wake up in the morning, what’s the first, concrete sign I’ll see as proof that my problem was fixed?
- I’ll be feeling rich, like I know I’m wealthy.
- But that’s not good enough. It has to be concrete. What does “wealthy” mean? What would have to physically happen for me to feel wealthy?
- I guess I won’t feel so stressed. I’ll be a bit more relaxed about money – not even worrying about it.
- What would make you stop feeling worried or stressed about money?
- If I felt secure about my finances.
- How could you tell that your finances are secure?
- If I know that whatever happens to me, my family can still maintain their current lifestyle or better from the money I’ve saved for them.
- That’s the solution then: the “sign” is having enough savings to support your family even if you can’t earn. The solution is that you need an emergency fund.
While The Miracle Question is not the be-all and end-all of problem-solving and behavioral change, it’s an important step that will help make your problems or challenges seem easier to handle.
Now’s the time to stop reading and nodding your head like those puppy figurines on a FX/jeepney dashboard. Let’s start taking action:
This Week’s Action Task
1) Think about the #1 problem or challenge that’s been holding you back. Choose the largest, most seemingly difficult problem you have.
2) Then, ask yourself The Miracle Question: If, as you slept tonight, your problem was resolved, what would be the first small, concrete sign you’ll see in the morning as proof that your problem was completely resolved?
*NOTE: If you need help with this, just click here to start a dialogue at the comments section. I and the other Frugal Pinoy readers would be glad to help you out step-by-step to answer your Miracle Question.
3) Act to make that sign true. If it’s waking up at 5am in the morning, then wake up at 5am. If it’s smiling at your parents, then smile at them. No matter how seemingly unimportant or small, these “sign” actions can be the first tiny step in breaking down your biggest obstacles.
Read MoreProgress Report: Rewriting your inner soundtrack
Last Monday, we discussed the importance of being attentive to your inner soundtrack, uncovering the hidden assumptions in them, and challenging those assumptions.
Here’s my answer and progress report for the assignment:
Inner Statement: “I’m not a people-person. It takes me years before I get comfortable with other people.”
Hidden Assumptions:
- That being a “people-person” is a natural talent that we are born with.
- That my personality is fixed/set, and it does not include starting conversations with acquaintances, strangers, and people I just met.Challenges:
- Spend 1 hour this week reading up on building rapport
- Make initial eye contact with everyone I interact with, and hold it for 2 seconds. This includes cashiers, clerks, drivers, etc.
- Come up with 3 replies to the question “What do you do?”/”Saan ka nagtratrabaho?”. It’s a common question people ask me upon meeting, and my typical LAME reply is “writer” and “sa bahay lang” – and the conversation almost always stops there. I’ll come up with 3 replies to “test” in actual conversation, and see which replies get the most engaging dialogue.
Results:
- I listened to the following courses/resources on building rapport:
- Andrew Warner’s course on How to Interview. I want to learn how to interview, which is why I’m learning to build rapport in the first place.
- Neil Strauss’ interview on Mixergy. He’s a journalist who has interviewed celebrities like Madonna, Eric Clapton, and Lady Gaga. Learned a lot of tips from this interview, as well as another interview he did on Rise to the Top.
- It’s very hard for me to “switch off my programming” that automatically avoids eye contact, but I made a conscious effort this week. I may have missed a few people, but I was mostly successful.
- Since I work from home, I don’t have many opportunities to test the 3rd challenge, answering the question “What do you do?”/”Saan ka nagtratrabaho?”. I was only able to test ONE response this week, “I’m a freelance writer, I work from home” – which again ended the discussion abruptly. Here are some other replies I’ll try next time:
- I help internet companies promote their products. (Which is what I do via Tailored Creative.)
- I teach other freelancers about how to run their business more smoothly and how to improve their client relationships. (via my articles at FreelanceSwitch, Pinoy500, and the upcoming LoveYourClients.net)
- – - – -
Inner Statement: “I’m not a programmer, I don’t need to learn programming languages.”
Hidden Assumptions:
- I don’t have the “talent” for programming, and can never have that skill.
- I will never use programming in my work/life.Challenges:
- Finish at least 2 lessons from http://www.codecademy.com/
- Create a simple program that runs/works, even if it’s just based on a simple if/then function.
Results:
- You can check out my progress at codecademy here. As of this writing, I’ve completed the “Getting Started With Programming” course, and 36% through the JavaScript Quick Start Guide.
- I created a simple program – not super impressive – just something that asks for your name, and returns a different result/greeting for specific names.
- – - – -
How about you? What’s your progress?
Click here to let me know in the comments.
Also, get ready. Tomorrow I’ll publish Part 2 of our Best Year Ever series, about asking The Miracle Question.
Read MoreHow your inner soundtrack is holding you back – and what to do about it
Have you ever said to yourself:
“I’ll never be rich.”
“I’m not smart or good enough for that promotion/raket/challenge.”
“I’m not as successful as [someone].”
Sometimes, our inner dialogue isn’t so blatantly negative. It can also be subtle, like the following:
“I’d like to start my own business, but I don’t have an idea what would work.”
“I’m an introvert, so it’s not my style to negotiate.”
“The economy makes it so hard for me to get a job.”
“I don’t have the time to earn money on the side.”
These thoughts aren’t necessarily destructive, but the hidden assumptions embedded in these thoughts hold you back. Let’s peel the layers a bit:
"What's playing?" wonders the Stormtrooper
Statement #1: “I’d like to start my own business, but I don’t have an idea what would work.”
Hidden Assumption: The success of a business depends on the idea.
Reality: This assumption is somewhat true, but your success depends more on the process of finding out which ideas work and which don’t, not the ideas themselves. Most entrepreneurs succeed because they test business ideas and abandon those that won’t work. They probably throw away more business ideas than they pursue.
…
Statement#2: ”I’m an introvert, so it’s not my style to negotiate.”
Hidden Assumption: Only extroverts can negotiate. You are not an extrovert.
Reality: The truth is, negotiation is learnable – just like any other skill. You used to be an illiterate when you were a toddler. Now you’re not. Your ability to learn how to read had nothing to do with your personality or love of reading – it was a skill you picked up.
…
Statement#3: “The economy makes it so hard for me to get a job.”
Hidden Assumption: The first assumption is that there’s nothing you can do to change your situation. That’s a very helpless position that you created for yourself. The second assumption is that you need a job in the first place.
Reality: Odds are, there’s something you’ve overlooked. First of all, how do you apply to jobs? Do you just submit your resume to hundreds of unrelated companies in the hopes that “sana swertehin”? Or do you get to the point where you’re actually interviewed, but you still don’t get hired? By reviewing your application style, making some changes, and testing those changes, you’re more likely to get hired.
As for the second assumption, you don’t necessarily need a job to earn money. For example, I’ve never had a regular job (I’ve only been freelancing). Other people start businesses.
…
Statement #4: “I don’t have the time to earn money on the side.”
Assumption: Two assumptions here: (1) that it takes soooo much time to earn decent money on the side and (2) that you don’t have any free time.
Reality: Since it’s earning money on the side, you don’t need to spend full-time office hours on them. As long as you charge enough for your products or services, and provide something of high value to others, you can add to your income just by working 2 to 4 hours per week.
Also, if you spend a few minutes to review every hour of your day, you’ll find some extra time that you can reallocate for your side raket. (As I mentioned in the previous post, if you spend 13 hours a week watching TV, just reallocating 2 of those hours to something more productive can make a huge difference.)
…
So, if it were possible to record the inner soundtrack in your mind, what would be the result? What statements would come up?
More importantly, what hidden assumptions are embedded?
No matter how positive, optimistic, or confident you are, it’s likely that you still have some negative thoughts holding you back – and some assumptions underneath all of them.
The key is to poke holes into those assumptions and challenge them. Odds are, your hidden assumptions are not as logical or as true as you thought.
This Week’s Action Task:
This week, we’re going to uncover the assumptions underlying our inner soundtrack. Then, we’re going to challenge them.
1) List 2 negative inner statements you say to yourself. These can be about anything. It could be about your finances, your career, your personal life, etc. As long as it’s something that repeats enough in your mind. Chose the ones that seem to hinder your progress the most.
2) For each statement, look for the hidden assumptions. The hidden assumptions are the things that must be true about yourself and your situation/environment for the inner statement to be true. (If you need help with this, just review the examples above or ask for help in the comments.)
3) List 1 to 3 simple ways to challenge each assumption. How are you going to challenge the assumptions you listed? For each assumption, list 1 to 3 actionable things you can do to determine if they are true or false. The challenge should be simple, easy, and take very little effort (just a few minutes). That way, you’re most likely to do them.
4) Do the challenges you listed in #3 above. Do them within one week of reading this article. Otherwise, I (and your inner self) will think that you’re one of those people who just reads tips, nods in agreement, and moves on with their lives without changing anything. Trust me, you don’t want to be that person.
Please write your answers to items #1 to #3 in the comments section below. It’s okay to be anonymous or use a codename, but I’d still love to see your answers. If there are some parts you can’t answer, or if you’re having a hard time, just say so. Me and the other Frugal Pinoy readers would be willing to help! I’ll also be including my own as an example.
Click here to add your own answers now.
Stormtroopers listening to a positive soundtrack for a change.
Photos by Flickr user jdhancock
Read MoreA Call to Arms: Let’s Make 2012 the Best Year Ever
Most people like to spend the last weeks of December looking back at the year that was. Then, the same people spend January looking ahead at the year that will be.
I’m one of those people. Odds are, if you’re reading this, so are you.
During this time, have you ever looked back and wondered “What could I have done better?”
Did you stop working on an exercise program?
Did you procrastinate on starting that new business you always wanted?
Did you spend less time on the things you loved and more times on the things that don’t contribute much to your life (like, say TV or Facebook)?
Do you still have a lot of unpaid debts?
Did you leave any unfinished goals or unachieved dreams?
If you’ve ever started a year hopeful and ended it feeling like you could’ve done better, you’re not alone.
I know I could’ve done better. At everything. From making money to enjoying leisure time, and even updating FrugalPinoy. In fact, I feel like I’ve actually failed a lot in 2011. And I thought 2010 was terrible!
How does that happen? Why do we start out the year feeling optimistic about our high goals, but often end up falling short of our own expectations?
That’s because it’s easy to write down goals and resolutions. It’s also easy to plan and write down how we’ll accomplish these things step by step.
But, we tend to fail during execution. The actual doing.
So if we really want to make 2012 extraordinary, we have to be willing to do extraordinary things to get there. Because it’s clear that whatever we were trying before wasn’t working. It’s time to take ACTION.
And it’s not just about taking action, it’s about TAKING ACTION ON THE RIGHT THINGS.
Read MoreHelp Iligan and CDO
Reader Discussions: